If you asked anyone that’s seen me lately, I’m kind of a whirlwind. No time for much and I have to be knocked down with sickness before I actually stay still. I had been feeling rundown big time, because I hadn’t had a full weekend off in a long time. I’d like to say what I mean is that I hadn’t spent any time with friends on weekends, but I really mean is that I hadn’t had two days to myself where I didn’t have to leave my house and could just decompress from everything. This past weekend, I did that and it was ugly.

On Saturday, I refused to leave my bed. On Sunday, I made a little progress and made it downstairs to the couch. I walked around a bit and did a couple of chores, but it was all because I was forcing myself to. Ugh, I hate even thinking about it.

And then there was the toll that this weekend took on the guy I live with. It takes no toll on the cat because he gets extra cuddles, but on the other guy… it’s a big deal. I wasn’t really able to make food for myself and with my diet, all he could think to do was to give me apples. The cat needed things and there was no one else to make sure those things happened. And then having to tip toe around and check-in on me is another bother. And not knowing what is good to say and what is bad has got to just add a lot of stress to him.

After getting the strength to say to him on Sunday night during a fight, “I’m overreacting, but this is why,” he started to poke at me a bit more. What triggered this episode? What can we do to make this not happen again? How can you take some pressure off of you? We talked through my life right now. Things that are bothering and how hard it’s been to achieve my goals. And then how my goals are hurting my ability to be present and active in our home life.

I don’t know what the point of this post is, but I just feel really bad some days that I go through weekends like this. I haven’t figured out balance yet. I don’t know where to even begin with that. I’ve got my relationship, two jobs, diet, training for a marathon and my cat. That’s a lot. And doing them all perfectly is never going to happen and I’m going to keep feeling bad about myself if I continue this way. So perhaps it’s time to focus on a few things that I can at least do well in each of those categories and go from there.

And I guess the real point of all of this is that I’m lucky. At the end of the day, I have a boy and a cat that both put up with a lot and both will do anything to please me. Even to their detriment. So maybe the real starting point is to focus on that. And maybe the rest will come.

This week, a lot of us have been bragging on the great numbers Ohio has racked up lately and how we are moving the economy forward. That’s great and all, but that’s not why I love tourism and am happy to consider myself a part of the Ohio tourism family.

After college, I followed into my first career, even though I had figured out in college it was not for me. I didn’t have the personality and candidates didn’t live up to who I wanted them to be. After I did in fact work for a candidate that was everything I’d hope a candidate would be, it was time for me to exit stage left. Unfortunately, it was harder than I thought it would be.

I ended up working retail. I was miserable. I came home every day drained and hating people. But once again, I didn’t know what else to do. So I started talking to management about going to their management school and transitioning into that position. And then I woke up. I refused to make the same mistake twice. So I called temp agencies and got an interview. If I didn’t know what I want, I was going to temp, maybe go back to school and figure stuff out.

The first thing the temp agency said to me was, “Why are you working retail?” I didn’t have a good answer. Bad economy. Bad decisions. Bad job. They told me that their first goal was to get me the job my ambition and drive deserved. I didn’t buy it, but I was willing to go along with it.

I ended up in an architecture firm that wanted to hire someone full-time. They made it clear pretty quickly that they didn’t want me, because I was too smart. Okay, so this was how it was going to go. Just like job hunting… over-qualified and too ambitious.

Next job was in tourism. I thought it was just a temporary job. I thought I’d leave quickly. Who works in tourism? Four years later, I can honestly say that the nicest, most brilliant people I know do. In fact, that frightened me. I wasn’t used to that. These people were obviously family and would share anything to make someone else better. That’s not the world I came from. It took me six months to make so much as a peep because of that.

But then peep I did. And by making those peeps, many people have allowed me to stretch myself and try new things. I’m finally figuring stuff out and am probably the happiest I’ve ever been right at this moment.

At the same time, I was just outside of this wonderful world. So even though I tried my best to make the lives of those in tourism better, I never really felt like I was one of them. Until recently.

Amir Eylon, the Ohio state tourism director, said to me, “You know you’re one of us, right?” Huh? Me? No. And then it became clear. Somehow along the way, I had become one of them. I’m now Ohio tourism and I’m proudly declaring that wherever I can.

And Amir isn’t the only one that’s made me a part of this wonderful group. Melinda Huntley is challenging me and making me better right now in ways I never knew possible. Claudia Plumley and Susan Peters both greet me with hugs and smiles and get excited every time we talk work. Mary Szymkowiak looks for ways to include me in things I’ve never been included in before. And Karen Raymore, who has been nothing short of wonderful to me. These people are inspire me and I’m happy that they (and the rest of Ohio tourism) welcomed me into their family.

I unfortunately have a lot that I’m working on, so this blog became a little dormant. I hated that, so I have started asking friends if they would like to write a guest post while I get things under control. The first is one of my closest friends, Anne Hornyak. Many of you have read her fabulous social media advice, but I don’t think many know what the degree to which she’s been sick since December. That is why I asked her to write about it and how she has/hasn’t been dealing with it. I didn’t know just how incredibly brave it was going to be.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right?

I’ve had mono for nearly 5 months now. The physical exhaustion is bad enough on its own but the mental anguish is even worse. At the height of it, I would rest the entire weekend, spending half of it in bed and the other half on the couch. Week after week for three months. Now most days are spent working too many hours and then resting and sleeping so that I can do it all again the next day. This is not the life I want to live.

The good news is that I’ve recently had a few good days in a row so I think I’m over the worst right now. At least I hope so. But I’ve felt this way a few weeks ago and the mono came back even stronger so it’s really too early to tell.
I also just started taking medicine for depression, which has made the exhaustion seem a little more tolerable.
Betsy asked if I would write about how I’ve been dealing (or even not dealing) with the depression that’s been brought on by the mono. At first I was a little leery because admitting that I couldn’t deal with this on my own somehow felt like a failure but hopefully my story can somehow help others with their battle.

I’ve actually been dealing with depression for a few years. It felt like it was under control but it was still affecting my overall attitude. It just recently became entirely unbearable and started to consume my daily life.

The frustration of not being able to do anything besides rest made me incredibly irritable and snippy. The people that I cared about the most were the ones that had to deal with the worst of my behavior. Anyone who knows me knows that I suffer from Catholic guilt so I would immediately feel bad for my actions, which only augmented the depression.

I have an amazing network of friends but I felt like I was abusing them because I always needed their support. I would bounce from friend to friend, trying not to become a burden to any one of them. I take pride in being strong and independent so when I really needed my friends the most, I started isolating myself. If it was the other way around, I would have grown tired of a friend always complaining and needing solace. Surely they must have felt the same.

A few weeks ago I confided in some friends and told them that I had been sobbing every day for no reason. They told me not to cry, but unless you’ve personally dealt with depression, it’s hard to understand. This was not something I could control. Believe me, I didn’t want to cry everyday. It’s not horrible when it happens at home (alone) but I’ve had tears well up in church and at the doctor’s office. It would have happened at other places too if I actually had enough energy to leave the house more regularly. Typically some thought triggered the tears. Sometimes it would be from glancing up from my laptop at a photo of Daisy, my dog that passed away last year. Other times it would just be from exhaustion or the unknown curiosity of wondering how long I had to wait until I could do normal things again. Until I could go back to my old life.

I’ve lost a lot of online credibility as a professional because all I tweeted were complaints about being sick and exhausted. Friends say that this isn’t true but I know it is. Perhaps “credibility” isn’t the right word. It’s more my reach and influence in the industry that has suffered. I still feel like a lot of the work that I had done to become a “somebody” has been ruined. When things are bad, the most logical step in this scenario is to become silent online, even though that makes things harder. When I want to cry, I keep it in. When I want to scream, I keep it in. When I want someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok, I keep it in.

I know it will just take time and effort to bring back my social media influence but is it really worth it? My life is already divided between my job, health/sleep and the little self-promotion that I do. What can I give up to make room for more of a personal life? In the end, having thousands of twitter followers will mean nothing. Posting funny pictures of dinosaurs on Facebook will mean nothing. Getting views or comments on my blog will mean nothing. I need to prioritize but I’m too tired to take any actions.

Will I ever get better? My cousin has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and my worst fear is that mono will develop into CFS for me as well. When you’re forced to deal with something day after day, you kind of become obsessed with it. There’s a lot of false information on the internet so it’s hard to say for sure but some cases of CFS may possibly be tied to the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV), which is the virus that causes infectious mononucleosis. The virus that I still have actively infecting me, according to recent tests. The virus that has eaten up the past 4-5 months of my life.

A few days ago, Betsy called me for my birthday. Towards the end of our conversation, she said, “you will get better” offhandedly. Those four words meant so much to me. Whether it’s with mono, depression or anything else, I may need a lot of help along the way but, eventually, I will get better. This is now my light at the end of the tunnel. I will get better.

I want it all. I want the house, the husband, the adorable kid, the great job and the fantastic life. I want to be the girl that everyone looks at and says, “WOW.” Okay, let’s be honest… No one is ever going to say that about me, but I want to feel that about me. I want to accomplish things. I want to be someone. I just simply want it all.

I’ve been talking to girl friends lately and we all let the secret that we dare not speak slip… We’re scared that we can’t have the life that we want. Professionally, we’ve found our stride. We know what we want to do and we’re all going after it. We love our lives. And frankly, don’t want much to change.

But we want something that all of us are missing: a kid. Some of us sooner than others. And it’s scaring the hell right out of us.

I don’t know if it’s maturity or what, but there is this really big realization that my life will no longer be my own. And yet, I like my life. I like working constantly. I like cuddling up with my kitten every night. I like running off at a moment’s notice to God knows where. And I like being able to keep a constant eye on everything that is going on in the social media world. I know that maybe all of this seems shallow, but maybe I am. I just like my world.

And then I see one friend after another holding their little ones in their arms and know that’s what I want. But it will stop my life. I will take at least a month off. Do you know what can happen in a month? Too much. I’ll be behind. I won’t know what’s going on. And what happens if I just want to stare at this kid all day? Or worse yet, what if I ignore Cesare the Super Kitten? I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

Okay, so I’m probably not going to be the mom that wants to stare at her kid all day. And Cesare will get loads of love no matter who is in my life. But I am really scared of the pause I’d have to take. It’s a huge pause. And life moves so fast… I might miss something. I don’t want to miss anything.

I guess I’m glad I’m not the only girl out there scared of this, but it makes me wonder… How far along are they with the whole guys having the babies thing? Do you think that could happen in say the next five years? And are they possibly looking for volunteers for that?

I’ve been missing lately but it’s all for good reasons. I went to Austin and then Knoxville. And somehow two jobs still had to happen. So yes, busy is an understatement.

I couldn’t let this anniversary pass without a bit of reflection though. A year ago today, I said to the guy I live with, “I think I’m going to go out for a run.” And as he was getting ready to go bowling, I started to feel nauseous, tired, the light was bothering me and I had an intense pain in my head. All it took was a few minutes and I was down for what turned out to be a month and a half. We of course had no clue it was going to be this serious and we had no idea the amount of emotions I was about to go through or how long it would take me to recover physically and emotionally. But this was easily one of the most trying moments of my life.

For the rest of 2011, I spent a lot of time afraid of headaches. And hell, I was afraid of a lot of other things too. I had mysterious illnesses that kept popping up and it took a long time for my doctor to string them all together to finally make a diagnosis that included why I might have had a migraine for a month and a half. Just exactly how long? Nine months. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I do thank God that I have a doctor that listens and didn’t write me off like many others have. The amount of time doesn’t matter as much as the fact that I am better matters.

So how far have I come over the last year? I have way more confidence than I ever have had. I’m taking on more challenges and pushing myself to the absolute limit. Illness is no longer holding me back. I am now on medication that has made running possible again. I ran the Austin Half Marathon, ill-prepared but I did it. I am signed up for the Chicago Marathon in October and plan on doing the Cap City Half in May. This is after being scared that my body may just not react well to running and that I might have to give it up all together.  Now, I have no worries of that whatsoever.

I am taking on more leadership roles within my communities. And I’ve learned with that that if you are on the rise and taking ownership, people are going to hate on you. A year ago, if I read something nasty, I would have curled up in a ball crying. Now, I wail about it for a bit and keep trucking. (Just as an aside, remember that when you post comments about people on social networks, especially in areas where friends of the person can see it, it’s not private. It will get back to those them and that’s just cruel.) Developing a thicker skin in the last year was definitely important to me as I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t move at all. I still have a ways to go (I’d like to not even acknowledge it), but I’m getting there.

And work-wise, I’m doing fabulous. I’ve always been the person that didn’t like working eight hour days, because then I had to figure out what to do with the other hours in the day. And work is fun. Especially when you love what you are doing. Being able to have a full-time job with people that I thoroughly enjoy and then at night coming home to do some of my favorite stuff is just awesome. It’s making me feel like I’m in the right place doing the right things. How many people can honestly say that?

So a year later, things are good. I hate that it had to start from something so terrible, but it’s moved me into something so good. And sometimes we need to get through the dark so we can appreciate how beautiful the light is. And God, I love dancing in the sunlight right now.

I know many of you don’t care, so let’s just say this post is for the five of you that think I’m pretty. Which I am. And I am desperate for more of you to recognize that.

I am working my tail off right now and am about to see if I can use Cesare’s tail so that I have more tail to work off. That probably didn’t make sense but that is beside the point.  I am working hard to release a new list to coincide with the TWO year anniversary of #tourismchat. With the scant amount of time I have right now, I should just cry uncle, but I love you crazy tourism people and I want to throw as much confetti as possible in celebration of how far our community has come.

My client? Pretty much the best ever. Her fans? Dear God, I love those people. I feel really energized from this and I love that most of what I’m doing is totally working. I’m really looking forward to pushing this forward and doing more cartwheels with my client. Because we’re girls. And we should do cartwheels.

And now for the anti-depressant… I had two weeks of terrible side effects, but I’m starting to come out of it. Nausea is still a problem pretty much every morning. And for the jerks out there… I’m allergic to babies.

So life has been having lots of fun twists and turns lately. But it’s a good life. And I love everyone that’s been a part of it, especially lately. Crap. I got sappy again.

As I’ve noted in the past, I’ve been a little sick. Some dizziness, a fainting episode and this all around feeling of something not being right made me go to the doctor. After a lot of Gatorade, I had to give in to the fact that it wasn’t working despite the fact that I knew what was next. And I fought this like a mother.

Last night, I started taking an anti-depressant called Celexa. For those that don’t know, anti-depressants treat a wide range of illnesses. I’ve taken them for stomach pain, sleeplessness and now for this dizziness. In no way am I taking this because my depression has gotten out of control. But it’s hard to make myself fully realize that. Despite that, I’m doing what my doctor thinks is best for my health and to get me moving again.

Any time that you start taking anti-depressants, it’s a process. You go up and you go down and you go all around until you find the one that has the least amount of side effects and helps with whatever you are taking them for. I plan on documenting this process as much as possible (without a ton of the gruesome details).

Like I said, I just started taking Celexa last night. My doctor advised to take it right before bedtime. So being me, I took it at 8:30 pm with a 10 pm bedtime. Predictably, I almost needed to be carried to bed (I was fighting because “Happy Endings” was on and I really like “Happy Endings”). Today, I’m jittery, nauseous and have next to no appetite. We’re going to keep at this for about two weeks with hope that some of that goes away.

On the bright side, this is the first anti-depressant I’ve taken in a long time that is not affecting my thought process. WOO HOO! I’ve had everything from thinking too fast to thinking too slow with these drugs in the past, so I was extremely worried. I can deal with a lot, but losing my brain is not on that list.

While I’m on these drugs, I have to be watched closely by friends and family. I want to think that I’m going to spot bizarre behavior, but yeah… I can’t completely trust myself. For someone that is such an individual, that’s hard. I like spending time by myself and I really want to think that I’m all that I need. So basically, this is going to be a great lesson in the fact that I really do need others more than I care to admit.

So here’s to hoping that this works, that I can run again and that my brain can continue to entertain you!